George Silverman's Explanation (Audiobook): Read by Dominic Gerrard

Dominic reads George Silverman's Explanation - one of Dickens' rarer short stories - ahead of an upcoming discussion with Dr. Emily Middleton ...

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SPEAKER_02 0:16

Hi everyone, this audiobook of George Silverman that I am about to read to you is free to listen to on this platform. But if you're able to and would like to make a small donation, there is a link in the description wherever you're listening to this. You can also purchase this audiobook from Apple Books, Spotify, and many other audiobook distributors. I hope you enjoy the story. See you on the other side. George Silverman's Explanation by Charles Dickens read by Dominic Gerrard. Introduction. George Silverman's explanation, published in The Atlantic in 1868, is one of Charles Dickens's rarer short stories. Here the author immerses himself entirely in his character of George Silverman, addressing the reader in a dramatic monologue in which he is reticent, perhaps even unwilling to open up to us, but at the same time compelled to unburden his heart. Gone are the familiar Dickensian asides that we might expect, moments where the author kicks down the fourth wall to entertain us or comment on what is unfolding, and much of the author's knowingness gives way to an innocence and naivety. So deeply does Dickens embody the role of Silverman that in a letter to an editor he writes that I feel as if I had read something by somebody else, which I should never get out of my head. Here we see Dickens the actor, even more than the performer, which in the last years of his life he had famously become, and as he slips further into the role, suppressing the showiness of his personality, he gives way to Silverman's shy disposition, stepping away from the spotlight into the peaceful shade. Consequently, as a narrator, Dickens often falters, twice abandoning the start of his story and beginning again. And as he edges his way through the diseased corners of Silverman's mind, he sees only what Silverman can see. A charge laid against George Silverman's character that stings him from early childhood and haunts him far into adulthood is that he is worldly. This word drips slowly through repetition into his psyche, poisoning his self-worth. Ever fearful of being worldly, Silverman overcompensates throughout his life with deeply harmful acts of self-denial, putting other people's interests always before his own, and finding himself easily manipulated. Combine this with an early childhood of extreme poverty, to an upbringing under a strict religious sect, enter the silly and grotesque brothers Hawkyard and Gimlet, Silverman must fight to overcome the psychological trauma of his past so that he can return the love of the wonderful Adelina. This tale is an indictment against poverty, as powerful as you will find in any of Dickens' larger works. It is also a biting satire against the daring ignorance and little meannesses found in many non-conformist movements. Above all, it is a deeply affecting examination of how far a childhood of both want and punishing religious control can impact a man's self-worth and future happiness. Whether George Silverman will turn out to be a hero of his own life, these pages must now show. They may serve, however, if I let them remain, to suggest how very difficult I find it to begin my explanation. An uncouth phrase. And yet I do not see my way to a better. This is the more surprising to me because I employ them in quite a new connection, for indeed I declare that my intention was to discard the commencement I first had in my thoughts, and to give the preference to another of an entirely different nature, dating my explanation from an anterior period of my life. I will make a third trial, without erasing this second failure, protesting that it is not my design to conceal any of my infirmities, whether they be of head or heart. Third chapter Not as yet directly aiming at how it came to pass, I will come upon it by degrees, the natural manner. After all, for God knows that is how it came upon me. My parents were in a miserable condition of life, and my infant home was a cellar in Preston. I recollect the sound of father's Lancashire clogs on the street pavement above as being different in my young hearing from the sound of all other clogs. And I recollect that when mother came down the cellar steps, I used tremblingly to speculate on her feet, having a good or an ill-tempered look, on her knees, on her waist, until finally her face came into view and settled the question. From this it will be seen that I was timid, and that the cellar steps were steep, and that the doorway was very low. Mother had the gripe and clutch of poverty upon her face, upon her figure, and not least of all upon her voice. Her sharp and high-pitched words were squeezed out of her, as by the compression of bony fingers on a leaven bag, and she had a way of rolling her eyes about and about the cellar as she scolded that was gaunt and hungry. Father, with his shoulders rounded, would sit quiet on a three-legged stool, looking at the empty grate, until she would pluck the stool from under him and bid him go bring some money home. Then he would dismally ascend the steps, and I, holding my ragged shirt and trousers together with a hand, my only braces, would faint and dodge from mother's pursuing grasp at my hair. A worldly little devil was Mother's usual name for me. Whether I cried for that I was in the dark, or for that it was cold, or for that I was hungry, or whether I squeezed myself into a warm corner when there was a fire, or ate voraciously when there was food, she would still say, Oh, you worldly little devil and the sting of it was that I quite well knew myself to be a worldly little devil, worldly as wanting to be housed and warmed, worldly as wanting to be fed, worldly as to the greed with which I inwardly compared how much I got of those good things with how much father and mother got when rarely those good things were going. Sometimes they both went away seeking work, and then I would be locked up in the cellar for a day or two at a time. I was at my worldliest then. Left alone, I yielded myself up to a worldly yearning for enough of anything except misery, and for the death of Mother's father, who was a machine maker at Birmingham, and on whose decease I had heard Mother say she would come into a whole court full of houses if she had her rights. Worldly little devil, I would stand about, musingly fitting my cold bare feet into cracked bricks and crevices of the damp cellar floor, walking over my grandfather's body, so to speak, into the court full of houses, and selling them for meat and drink and clothes to wear. At last a change came down into our cellar. The universal change came down even as low as that, so will it mount to any height on which a human creature can perch, and brought other changes with it. We had a heap of I don't know what foul litter in the darkest corner, which we called the bed. For three days Mother lay upon it without getting up, and then began at times to laugh. If I had ever heard her laugh before, it had been so seldom that the strange sound frightened me. It frightened Father too, and we took it by turns to give her water. Then she began to move her head from side to side and sing. After that, she getting no better, Father fell a laughing and a singing, and then there was only I to give them both water. And they both died. Fourth chapter When I was lifted out of the cellar by two men, of whom one came peeping down alone at first, and ran away and brought the other, I could hardly bear the light of the street. I was sitting in the roadway, glinking at it, and at a ring of people collected around me, but not close to me, when, true to my character of worldly little devil, I broke silence by saying I'm hungry and thirsty.

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Does he know they are dead?

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asked one of another. Do you know your father and mother are both dead of fever? asked a third of me severely. I don't know what it is to be dead. I suppose it meant that when the cup rattled against their teeth and the water spilt over them.

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I'm hungry and thirsty.

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That was all I had to say about it. The ring of people widened outward from the inner side as I looked around me, and I smelt vinegar, and what I know to be camphor thrown in towards where I sat. Presently someone put a great vessel of smoking vinegar on the ground near me, and then they all looked at me in silent horror as I ate and drank of what was brought for me. I knew at the time they had a horror of me, but I couldn't help it. I was still eating and drinking, and a murmur of discussion had begun to arise respecting what was to be done with me next, when I heard a cracked voice somewhere in the ring say, My name is Hawkyard, Mr Verity Hawkyard of West Bromich. Then the ring split in one place, and a yellow faced, peak nosed gentleman, clad all in iron grey to his gaiters, pressed forward with a policeman and another official of some sort. He came forward close to the vessel of smoking vinegar, from which he sprinkled himself carefully, and me copiously. He had a grandfather at Birmingham, this young boy, who is just dead too, said Mr Hawkyard. I turned my eyes upon the speaker and said in a ravening manner, Where's his houses? Horrible worldliness on the edge of the grave, said Mr Hawkyard, casting more of the vinegar over me as if to get my devil out of me.

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I have undertaken a slight, a very slight trust in behalf of this boy. Quite a voluntary trust, a matter of mere honour, if not of mere sentiment. Still, I have taken it upon myself, and it shall be oh yes, it shall be discharged.

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The bystanders seemed to form an opinion of this gentleman much more favourable than their opinion of me. He shall be taught, said Mr Hawkyard. Oh yes, he shall be taught. But what is to be done with him for the present? He may be infected, he may disseminate infection. The ring widened considerably. What is to be done with him? He held some talk with the two officials. I could distinguish no words save farmhouse. There was another sound, several times repeated, which was wholly meaningless in my ears then, but which I knew afterwards to be Horton Towers. Yes, said Mr Hawkyard, I think that sounds promising. I think that sounds hopeful, and he can be put by himself in a ward for a night or two, you say. It seemed to be the police officer who had said so, for it was he who replied Yes. It was he too, who finally took me by the arm and walked me before him through the streets into a whitewashed room in a bare building, where I had a chair to sit in, a table to sit at, an iron bedstead and good mattress to lie upon, and a rug and blanket to cover me. Where I had enough to eat too, and was shown how to clean the tin porringer in which it was conveyed to me until it was as good as a looking glass. Here, likewise I was put in a bath, and had new clothes brought to me, and my old rags were burnt, and I was camfered and vinegared and disinfected in a variety of ways. When all this was done, I don't know in how many days or how few, but it matters not, Mr Hawkyard stepped in at the door, remaining close to it, and said Go and stand against the opposite wall, George Silverman.

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As far off as you can. That'll do. How do you feel?

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I told him that I didn't feel cold, and didn't feel hungry, and didn't feel thirsty. That was the whole round of human feelings as far as I knew. Except the pain of being beaten.

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Well, said he, you are going, George, to a healthy farmhouse to be purified. Keep in the air there as much as you can. Live an out of door life there until you were fetched away.

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You better not say much, in fact you'd better be very careful not to say anything about what your parents died of, or they might not like to take you in. Behave well, and I'll put you to school. Oh yes, I'll put you to school, though I'm not obligated to do it. I am a servant of the Lord, George, and I have been a good servant to him I have these five and thirty years.

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The Lord has had a good servant in me, and he knows it.

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What I then supposed him to mean by this I cannot imagine, as little do I know when I began to comprehend that he was a prominent member of some obscure denomination or congregation, every member of which held forth to the rest when so inclined, and among whom he was called Brother Hawkyard. It was enough for me to know, on that day in the ward, that the farmer's cart was waiting for me at the street corner. I was not slow to get into it, for it was the first ride I ever had in my life. It made me sleepy, and I slept. First I stared at Preston's streets as long as they lasted, and meanwhile I may have had some small dumb wandering within me whereabouts our cellar was, but I doubt it. Such a worldly little devil was I that I took no thought who would bury father and mother or where they would be buried, or when. The question whether the eating and drinking by day and the covering by night would be as good at the farmhouse as at the ward superseded those questions. The jolting of the cart on a loose stony road awoke me, and I found that we were mounting a steep hill, where the road was a rutty by road through a field, and so, by fragments of an ancient terrace, and by some rugged outbuildings that had once been fortified, and passing under a ruined gateway, we came to the old farmhouse in the thick stone wall outside the old quadrangle of Horton Towers, which I looked at like a stupid savage, seeing no speciality in, seeing no antiquity in, assuming all farmhouses to resemble it, assigning the decay I noticed to the one potent cause of all ruin that I knew poverty, eyeing the pigeons in their flights, the cattle in their stalls, the ducks in the pond, and the fowls pecking about the yard, with a hungry hope that plenty of them might be killed for dinner while I stayed there. Wondering whether the scrubbed dairy vessels drying in the sunlight could be goodly porringers out of which the master ate his belly filling food, and which he polished when he had done, according to my ward experience. Shrinkingly doubtful whether the shadows passing over that airy height on the bright spring day were not something in the nature of frowns. Sordid, afraid, unadmiring, a small brute to shudder at. To that time I had never had the faintest impression of duty. I had had no knowledge, whatever, that there was anything lovely in this life. When I had occasionally slunk up the cellar steps into the street and glared in at shop windows, I had done so with no higher feelings than we may suppose to animate a mangy young dog or wolf cub. It is equally the fact that I had never been alone. In the sense of holding unselfish converse with myself, I had been solitary often enough, but nothing better. Such was my condition when I sat down to my dinner that day in the kitchen of the old farmhouse. Such was my condition when I lay on my bed in the old farmhouse that night, stretched out opposite the narrow, mully and window in the cold light of the moon, like a young vampire. Fifth chapter What do I know now of Horton Towers? Very little, for I have been gratefully unwilling to disturb my first impressions. A house centuries old on high ground a mile or so removed from the road between Preston and Blackburn, where the first James of England, in his hurry to make money by making baronets, perhaps made some of those remunerative dignitaries. A house, centuries old, deserted and falling to pieces, its woods and gardens long since grassland or plowed up, the river's ribble and Darwin glancing below it, and a vague haze of smoke, against which not even the supernatural prescience of the first Jewet could foresee a counterblast hinting at steam power, powerful in two distances. What did I know then of Horton Towers? When I first peeped in at the gate of the lifeless quadrangle, and started from the mouldering statue becoming visible to me like its guardian ghost. When I stole round by the back of the farmhouse and got in among the ancient rooms, many of them with their floors and ceilings falling, the beams and rafters hanging dangerously down, the plaster dropping as I trod, the oak panels stripped away, the windows half walled up, half broken. When I discovered a gallery commanding the old kitchen, and looked down between balustrades upon a massive old table and benches, fearing to see I know not what dead alive creatures come in and seat themselves, and look up with I know not what dreadful eyes or lack of eyes at me. When all over the house I was awed by gaps and chinks where the sky stared sorrowfully at me, where the birds passed and the ivy rustled, and the stains of winter weather blotched the rotten floors. When down at the bottom of dark pits of staircase, into which the stairs had sunk, green leaves trembled, butterflies fluttered, and bees hummed in and out through the broken doorways. When encircling the whole ruin were sweet scents and sights of fresh green growth and ever renewing life that I had never dreamt of. I say, when I passed into such clouded perception of these things as my dark soul could compass, what did I know then of Horton Towers? I have written that the sky stared sorrowfully at me. Therein have I anticipated the answer. I knew that all these things looked sorrowfully at me, that they seemed to sigh or whisper, not without pity for me.

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Alas, poor worldly little devil.

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There were two or three rats at the bottom of one of the smaller pits of broken staircase when I craned over and looked in. They were scuffling for some prey that was there. And when they started and hid themselves close together in the dark, I thought of the old life. It had grown old already in the cellar. How not to be this worldly little devil? How not to have a repugnance towards myself as I had towards the rats. I hid in a corner of one of the smaller chambers, frightened at myself, and crying. It was the first time I had ever cried for any cause not purely physical, and I tried to think about it. One of the farm ploughs came into my range of view just then, and it seemed to help me as it went on with its two horses up and down the field so peacefully and quietly. There was a girl of about my own age in the farmhouse family, and she sat opposite to me at the narrow table at mealtimes. It had come into my mind at our first dinner that she might take the fever from me. The thought had not disquieted me then. I had only speculated how she would look under the altered circumstances, and whether she would die. But it came into my mind now that I might try to prevent her taking the fever by keeping away from her. I knew I should have but scrambling board if I did.

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So much the less worldly and less devilish the deed would be, I thought.

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From that hour, I withdrew myself at early morning into secret corners of the ruined house, and remained hidden there until she went to bed. At first, when meals were ready, I used to hear them calling me, and then my resolution weakened. But I strengthened it again by going farther off into the ruin and getting out of hearing. I often watched for her at the dim windows, and when I saw that she was fresh and rosy, felt much happier. Out of this holding her in my thoughts to the humanizing of myself, I suppose some childish love arose within me. I felt in some sort dignified by the pride of protecting her, by the pride of making the sacrifice for her. As my heart swelled with that new feeling, it insensibly softened about mother and father. It seemed to have been frozen before, and now to be thawed. The old ruin and all the lovely things that haunted it were not sorrowful for me only, but sorrowful for mother and father as well. Therefore did I cry again, and often too. The farmhouse family conceived me to be of a morose temper, and were very short with me, though they never stinted me in such broken fare as was to be got out of regular hours. One night, when I lifted the kitchen latch at my usual time, Sylvia, that was her pretty name, had but just gone out of the room. Seeing her ascending the opposite stairs, I stood still at the door. She had heard the clink of the latch, and looked round. She called to me in a pleased voice, Tomorrow is my birthday, and we're to have a fiddler, and there's a party of boys and girls coming in a cart, and we shall dance. I invite you. Be sociable for once, George. I'm very sorry, Miss, I answered. But uh but no. I can't come. You are a disagreeable, ill humoured lad, she returned disdainfully, and I ought not to have asked you. I shall never speak to you again. As I stood with my eyes fixed on the fire after she was gone, I felt that the farmer bent his brows upon me. Eh, lad, said he. Sylvie's right You're as moody and broody a lad as never I set eyes on yet. I tried to assure him that I meant no harm, but he only said coldly Maybe not, maybe not. There, get thy supper, get thy supper, and then thou canst sulk to thy heart's content again. Oh if they could have seen me next day in the ruin, watching for the arrival of the cart full of merry young guests, if they could have seen me at night gliding out from behind the ghostly statue, listening to the music and the fall of dancing feet, and watching the lighted farmhouse windows from the quadrangle when all the ruin was dark. If they could have read my heart as I crept up to bed by the back way, comforting myself with the reflection they will take no hurt from me. They would not have thought mine a morose or unsocial nature. It was in these ways that I began to form a shy disposition, to be of a timidly silent character, under misconstruction, to have an inexpressible, perhaps a morbid dread of ever being sordid or worldly. It was in these ways that my nature came to shape itself to such a mould, even before it was affected by the influences of the studious and retired life of a poor scholar. Sixth chapter. Brother Hawkyard, as he insisted on my calling him, put me to school and told me to work my way. You are all right, George, he said.

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I have been the best servant the Lord has had in his service for this five and thirty year. Oh I have. And he knows the value of such a servant as I have been to him.

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Oh yes, he does, and he'll prosper your schooling as a part of my rewards. That's what he'll do, George. He'll do it for me. From the first I could not like this familiar knowledge of the ways of the sublime, inscrutable almighty on Brother Hawkyard's part. As I grew a little wiser, and still a little wiser, I liked it less and less. His manner, too, of confirming himself in a parenthesis, as if knowing himself he doubted his own word, I found distasteful. I cannot tell how much these dislikes cost me, for I had a dread that they were worldly. As time went on, I became a foundation boy on a good foundation, and I cost Brother Hawkyard nothing. When I had worked my way so far, I worked yet harder in the hope of ultimately getting a presentation to college and a fellowship. My health has never been strong. Some vapour from the Preston cellar cleaves to me, I think, and what with much work and some weakness, I came again to be regarded, that is, by my fellow students, as unsocial. All through my time as a foundation boy, I was within a few miles of Brother Hawkyard's congregation, and whenever I was what we called a leave boy on a Sunday, I went over there at his desire. Before the knowledge became forced upon me that outside their place of meeting these brothers and sisters were no better than the rest of the human family, but on the whole were, to put the case mildly, as bad as most, in respect of giving short wait in their shops and not speaking the truth. I say, before this knowledge became forced upon me, their prolix addresses, their inordinate conceit, their daring ignorance, their investment of the supreme ruler of heaven and earth with their own miserable meannesses and littlenesses greatly shocked me. Still, as their term for the frame of mind that could not perceive them to be in an exalted state of grace was the worldly state, I did for a time suffer tortures under my inquiries of myself whether that young, worldly, devilish spirit of mine could secretly be lingering at the bottom of my non-appreciation. Brother Hawkyard was the popular expounder in this assembly, and generally occupied the platform. There was a little platform with a table on it in lieu of a pulpit, first on a Sunday afternoon. He was by trade a Dry Salter. Brother Gimlet, an elderly man, with a crabbed face, a large dog's eared shirt collar, and a spotted blue neckerchief, reaching up behind to the crown of his head, was also a Dry Salter and an expounder. Brother Gimlet professed the greatest admiration for Brother Hawkyard, but I had thought more than once, bore him a jealous grudge. Let whosoever may peruse these lines kindly take the pains here to read twice my solemn pledge that what I write of the language and customs of the congregation in question, I write scrupulously, literally, exactly, from the life and the truth.

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On the first Sunday, after I had won what I had so long tried for, and when it was certain that I was going up to college, Brother Hawkyard concluded a long exhortation thus Well, my friends and fellow sinners, now I told you when I began that I didn't know a word of what I was going to say to you No I did not, but that it was all one to me because I knew the Lord would put into my mouth the words I wanted. That's it from Brother Gimlet. And he did put into my mouth the words I wanted.

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So he did from Brother Gimlet. And why? Ah let's have that from Brother Gimlet.

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Because I have been his faithful servant for five and thirty years, and because he knows it for five and thirty years, and he knows it, mind you, I got those words that I wanted on account of my wages. I got him from the Lord, my fellow sinners. Down, I said, Here's a heap of wages due. Let us have something down on a couch. And I got it down, and I paid it over to you, and you won't wrap it up in a napkin nor yet in a towel, nor yet pocket handkerchief, but you'll put it out at good interest. Very well.

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Now, my brothers and sisters and fellow sinners, I am going to conclude with a question, and I'll make it so plain with the help of the Lord after five and thirty years I should rather hope, as that the devil shall not be able to confuse it in your heads, which he would be overjoyed to do.

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Just as well, crafty old blagged from Brother Gimlet.

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And the question is this Are the angels learned?

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Not there not a bit on it from Brother Gimlet with the greatest confidence. Not they and where's the proof?

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Sent ready made by the hand of the Lord. Why, there's one among us here now that has got all the learning that can be crammed into him. I got him all the learning that could be crammed into him. His grandfather this I had never heard before. Was a brother of ours. He was Brother Parksop. That's what he was. Parksop, brother Parksop. His worldly name was Parksop, and he was a brother of this brotherhood. Then wasn't he Brother Parksop? Must be. Couldn't help hisself from Brother Gimlet. Well, he left that one now here present among us to the care of a brother sinner of his, and that brother sinner, mind you, was a sinner of a bigger size in this time than any of you, praise the Lord. Brother Hawkyard, me I got him without fee or reward, without a morsel of myrrh or frankincense nor yet amber, letting alone the honeycomb, all the learning that could be crammed into him. Has it brought him into our temple in the spirit? No. Have we had any ignorant brothers and sisters that didn't know round O from crooked S coming among us meanwhile? Many Then the angels are not learned. They don't so much as know their alphabet. And now my friends and fellow sinners, having brought it to that, perhaps some brother present, perhaps you, Brother Gimlet, will pray a bit for us.

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Brother Gimlet undertook the sacred function after having drawn his sleeve across his mouth and muttered Well I don't know as I see my way to hitting any of you quite in the right place neither.

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He said this with a dark smile, and then began to bellow. What we were specially to be preserved from, according to his solicitations, was despoilment of the orphan, suppression of testamentary intentions on the part of a father, or say grandfather, appropriation of the orphan's house property, feigning to give in charity to the wronged one from whom we withheld his due, and that class of sins. He ended with the petition Give us peace, which, speaking for myself, was very much needed after twenty minutes of his bellowing. Even though I had not seen him when he rose from his knees, steaming with perspiration, glance at Brother Hawkyard, and even though I had not heard Brother Hawkyard's tone of congratulating him on the vigour with which he had roared, I should have detected a malicious application in this prayer. Unformed suspicions to a similar effect had sometimes passed through my mind in my earlier school days, and had always caused me great distress, for they were worldly in their nature, and wide, very wide of the spirit that had drawn me from Sylvia. They were sordid suspicions without a shadow of proof. They were not only without proof, but against proof. For was not I myself a living proof of what Brother Hawkyard had done? And without him, how should I ever have seen the sky look sorrowfully down upon that wretched boy at Horton Towers? Although the dread of relapse into a stage of savage selfishness was less strong upon me as I approached manhood, and could act in an increased degree for myself, yet I was always on my guard against any tendency to such relapse. After getting these suspicions under my feet, I had been troubled by not being able to like Brother Hawkyard's manner or his professed religion. So it came about that, as I walked back that Sunday evening, I thought it would be an act of reparation for any such injury my struggling thoughts had unwillingly done him, if I wrote and placed in his hands before going to college a full acknowledgement of his goodness to me and an ample tribute of thanks. It might serve as an implied vindication of him against any dark scandal from a rival brother and expounder, or from any other quarter. Accordingly I wrote the document with much care. I may add with much feeling, too, for it affected me as I went on. Having no set studies to pursue, in the brief interval between leaving the foundation and going to Cambridge, I determined to walk out to his place of business and give it into his own hands. It was a winter afternoon when I tapped at the door of his little counting house, which was at the farther end of his long, low shop. As I did so, having entered by the backyard where casks and boxes were taken in, and where there was the inscription private way to the counting house, a shopman called to me from the counter that he was engaged. Brother Gimlet, said the shopman, who was one of the Brotherhood, is with him. I thought this all the better for my purpose, and made bold to tap again. They were talking in a low tone, and money was passing, for I heard it being counted out. Who is it? asked Brother Hawkyard sharply. George Silverman, I answered, holding the door open. May I come in? Both brothers seemed so astounded to see me that I felt shyer than usual. But they looked quite cadaverous in the early gaslight. And perhaps that accidental circumstance exaggerated the expression of their faces. What is the matter? asked Brother Hawkyard.

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Aye. What is the matter?

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asked Brother Gimlet. Nothing at all, I said, diffidently producing my document. I'm only the bearer of a letter from myself. From yourself, George? cried Brother Hawkyard.

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And to you, said I.

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And to me, George He turned paler, and opened it hurriedly. But, looking over it and seeing generally what it was, became less hurried, recovered his colour, and said Praise the Lord. That's it, cried Brother Gimlet. Well put amen. Brother Hawkyard then said in a livelier strain, You must know, George, that Brother Gimlet and I are going to make our two businesses one. We are going into partnership. We are settling it now. Brother Gimlet is to take one clear half of the profits. Oh yes, he shall have it, he shall have it to the last farthing. DV said Brother Gimlet, with his right fist firmly clinched on his right leg. There is no objection, pursued Brother Hawkyard, to my reading this aloud, George. As it was what I expressly desired should be done after yesterday's prayer, I more than readily begged him to read it aloud. He did so, and Brother Gimlet listened with a crabbed smile.

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It was in a good hour that I came here, he said, wrinkling up his eyes. It was in a good hour likewise that I was moved yesterday to depict for the terror of evil doers a character the direct opposite of Brother Hawkyard's. But it was the Lord that done it. I felt him at it while I was perspiring.

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After that, it was proposed by both of them that I should attend the congregation once more before my final departure. What my shy reserve would undergo from being expressly preached at and prayed at, I knew beforehand, but I reflected that it would be for the last time, and that it might add to the weight of my letter. It was well known to the brothers and sisters that there was no place taken for me in their paradise, and if I showed this last token of deference to Brother Hawkyard, notoriously in despite of my own sinful inclinations, it might go some little way in aid of my statement that he had been good to me, and that I was grateful to him. Merely stipulating, therefore, that no express endeavour should be made for my conversion. Which would involve the rolling of several brothers and sisters on the floor, declaring that they felt all their sins in a heap on their left side, weighing so many pounds a voie dupois, as I knew from what I had seen of those repulsive mysteries. I promised. Since the reading of my letter, Brother Gimlet had been at intervals wiping one eye with an end of his spotted blue neckerchief, and grinning to himself. It was, however, a habit that brother had to grin in an ugly manner even when expounding. I called to mind the delighted snarl with which he used to detail from the platform the torments reserved for the wicked, meaning all human creation except the Brotherhood, as being remarkably hideous. I left the two to settle their articles of partnership and count money, and I never saw them again but on the following Sunday. Brother Hawkyard died within two or three years, leaving all he possessed to Brother Gimlet, in virtue of a will dated, as I have been told, that very day. Now I was so far at rest with myself when Sunday came, knowing that I had conquered my own mistrust and righted Brother Hawkyard in the jaundiced vision of a rival, that I went even to that coarse chapel in a less sensitive state than usual. How could I foresee that the delicate, perhaps the diseased corner of my mind, where I winced and shrunk when it was touched, or was even approached, would be handled as the theme of the whole proceedings. On this occasion it was assigned to Brother Hawkyard to pray, and to Brother Gimlet to preach. The prayer was to open the ceremonies. The discourse was to come next. Brothers Hawkyard and Gimlet were both on the platform. Brother Hawkyard on his knees at the table unmusically ready to pray, Brother Gimlet sitting against the wall grinningly ready to preach.

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Let us offer up the shackles. Sacrifice of prayer, my brothers and sisters and fellow sinners.

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Yes, but it was I who was the sacrifice. It was our poor, sinful, worldly minded brother here present, who was wrestled for. The now opening career of this our unawakened brother might lead to his becoming a minister of what was called the church. That was what he looked to. The church, not the chapel, lord, the church. No rectors, no vicars, no archdeacons, no bishops, no archbishops in the chapel, but, oh Lord, many such in the church. Protect our sinful brother from his love of lucre. Cleanse from our unawakened brother's breast his sin of worldly mindedness. The prayer said infinitely more in words, but nothing more to any intelligible effect. Then Brother Gimlet came forward and took, as I knew he would, the text, My kingdom is not of this world. Ah, but whose was my fellow sinners? Whose? Why, our brothers here present was. The only kingdom he had an idea of was this world. That's it from several of the congregation. What did the woman do when she lost the piece of money? Went and looked for it. What should our brother do when he lost his way? Go and look for it from a sister. Go and look for it, true. But must he look for it in the right direction or in the wrong? In the right from a brother. There spake the prophets. He must look for it in the right direction, or he couldn't find it. But he had turned his back upon the right direction, and he wouldn't find it. Now, my fellow sinners, to show you the difference betwixt worldly mindedness and unworldly mindedness, betwixt kingdoms not of this world and kingdoms of this world, here was a letter wrote by even our worldly minded brother unto Brother Hawkyard. Judge from hearing of it read whether Brother Hawkyard was the faithful steward that the Lord had in his mind only t'other day, when in this very place he drew you the picture of the unfaithful one. For it was him that done it, not me, don't doubt that. Brother Gimlet then groaned and bellowed his way through my composition, and subsequently through an hour. The service closed with a hymn, in which the brothers unanimously roared and the sisters unanimously shrieked at me, that I by wiles of worldly gain was mocked, and they on waters of sweet love were rocked, that I with mammon struggled in the dark, while they were floating in a second arc. I went out from all of this with an aching heart and a weary spirit. Not because I was quite so weak as to consider these narrow creatures interpreters of the divine majesty and wisdom, but because I was weak enough to feel as though it were my hard fortune to be misrepresented and misunderstood, when I most tried to subdue any risings of mere worldliness within me, and when I most hoped that by dint of trying earnestly, I had succeeded. Seventh chapter. My timidity and my obscurity occasioned me to live a secluded life at college, and to be little known. No relative ever came to visit me, for I had no relative. No intimate friends broke in upon my studies, for I made no intimate friends. I supported myself on my scholarship, and read much. My college time was otherwise not so very different from my time at Horton Towers. Knowing myself to be unfit for the noisier stir of social existence, but believing myself qualified to do my duty in a moderate, though earnest way, if I could obtain some small preferment in the church, I applied my mind to the clerical profession. In due sequence I took orders, was ordained, and began to look about me for employment. I must observe that I had taken a good degree, that I had succeeded in winning a good fellowship, and that my means were ample for my retired way of life. By this time I had read with several young men, and the occupation increased my income while it was highly interesting to me. I once accidentally overheard our greatest Don say to my boundless joy, that he heard it reported of Silverman that his gift of quiet explanation, his patience, his amiable temper, and his conscientiousness made him the best of coaches. May my gift of quiet explanation come more seasonably and powerfully to my aid in this present explanation than I think it will. It may be in a certain degree owing to the situation of my college rooms, in a corner where the daylight was sobbered, but it is in a much larger degree referable to the state of my own mind that I seem to myself, on looking back to this time of my life, to have been always in the peaceful shade. I can see others in the sunlight. I can see our boats crews, and our athletic young men on the glistening water, or speckled with the moving lights of sunlit leaves, but I myself am always in the shadow looking on. Not unsympathetically, God forbid, but looking on alone, much as I looked at Sylvia from the shadows of the ruined house, or looked at the red gleam shining through the farmer's windows, and listened to the fall of dancing feet when all the ruin was dark that night in the quadrangle. I now come to the reason of my quoting that laudation of myself above given. Without such reason, to repeat it would have been mere boastfulness. Among those who had read with me was Mr Fairway, second son of Lady Fairway, widow of Sir Gaston Fairway, Baronet. This young gentleman's abilities were much above the average, but he came of a rich family, and was idle and luxurious. He presented himself to me too late, and afterwards came to me too irregularly to admit of my being of much service to him. In the end, I considered it my duty to dissuade him from going up for an examination which he could never pass, and he left college without a degree. After his departure, Lady Fairway wrote to me, representing the justice of my returning half my fee as I had been of so little use to her son. Within my knowledge, a similar demand had not been made in any other case, and I most freely admit that the justice of it had not occurred to me until it was pointed out, but I at once perceived it, yielded to it, and returned the money. Mr Fairway had been gone two years or more, and I had forgotten him, when he one day walked into my rooms as I was sitting at my books. Said he, after the usual salutations had passed, Mr Silverman, my mother is in town here at the hotel and wishes me to present you to her. I was not comfortable with strangers, and I dare say I betrayed that I was a little nervous or unwilling, for, said he, without my having spoken, I think the interview may tend to the advancement of your prospects. It put me to the blush to think that I should be tempted by a worldly reason. And I rose immediately. Said Mr Fairway as we went along, are you a good hand at business? I think not, said I. Said Mr Fairway, then, my mother is truly, said I. Yes, my mother is what is usually called a managing woman. Doesn't make a bad thing, for instance, even out of the spendthrift habits of my elder brother abroad. In short, a managing woman. This isn't confidence. He had never spoken to me in confidence, and I was surprised by his doing so. I said I should respect his confidence, of course, and said no more on the delicate subject. We had but a little way to walk, and I was soon in his mother's company. He presented me, shook hands with me, and left us to, as he said, to business. I saw in my Lady Fairway a handsome, well preserved lady of somewhat large stature, with a steady glare in her great round, dark eyes that embarrassed me. Said my lady. I have heard from my son, Mr Silverman, that you would be glad of some preferment in the church. I gave my lady to understand that was so. I don't know whether you are aware, my lady proceeded, that we have a presentation to a living. I say we have, but in point of fact I have. I gave my lady to understand that I had not been aware of this. Said my lady. So it is. Indeed I have two presentations one to two hundred a year, one to six. Both livings are in our county, North Devonshire, as you probably know. The first is vacant. Would you like it? What with my lady's eyes? And what with the suddenness of this proposed gift? I was much confused. I am sorry it is not the larger presentation, said my lady, rather coldly, though I will not, Mr Silverman, pay you the bad compliment of supposing that you are, because that would be mercenary, and mercenary I am persuaded you are not. Said I, with my utmost earnestness. Thank you, Lady Fairway, thank you, thank you. I I should be deeply hurt if I thought I bore the character. Naturally, said my lady, always detestable, but particularly in a clergyman. You have not said whether you will like the living. With apologies for my remisseness or indistinctness, I assured my lady that I accepted it most readily and gratefully. I added that I hoped she would not estimate my appreciation of the generosity of her choice by any flow of words, for I was not a ready man in that respect, when taken by surprise or touched at heart. The affair is concluded, said my lady. Concluded. You will find the duties very light, Mr Silverman. Charming house, charming little garden, orchard and all that. You will be able to take pupils. By the by No, I will return to the word afterwards. What was I going to mention when it put me out? My lady stared at me as if I knew. And I didn't know, and that perplexed me afresh. Said my lady, after some consideration. Oh, of course, how very dull of me. The last incumbent, least mercenary man I ever saw, in consideration of the duties being so light and the house so delicious, couldn't rest, he said, unless I permitted him to help me with my correspondence accounts and various little things of that kind. Nothing in themselves, but which it worries a lady to cope with. Would Mr Silverman also like to or shall I? I hasten to say that my poor health would always be at her ladyship's service. I'm absolutely blessed, said my lady, casting up her eyes, and so taking them off me for one moment, in having to do with gentlemen who cannot endure an approach to the idea of being mercenary. She shivered at the word. And now, as to the pupil The I was quite at a loss. Mr Silverman, you have no idea what she is. She is, said my lady, laying her touch upon my coat sleeve, I do verily believe the most extraordinary girl in this world. Already knows more Greek and Latin than Lady Jane Grey, and taught herself, has not yet, remember, derived a moment's advantage from Mr Silverman's classical acquirements, to say nothing of mathematics, which she is bent upon becoming versed in, and in which, as I hear from my son and others, Mr Silverman's reputation is so deservedly high. Under my lady's eyes I must have lost the clue, I felt persuaded, and yet I did not know where I could have dropped it. Adelina, said my lady, is my only daughter. If I did not feel quite convinced that I am not blinded by a mother's partiality, unless I was absolutely sure that when you know her, Mr Silverman, you will esteem it a high and unusual privilege to direct her studies. I should introduce a mercenary element into this conversation and ask you on what terms. I entreated my lady to go no further. My lady saw that I was troubled, and did me the honour to comply with my request. Eighth chapter. Everything in mental acquisition that her brother might have been, if he would, and everything in all gracious charms and admirable qualities that no one but herself could be. This was Adelina. I will not expatiate upon her beauty. I will not expatiate upon her intelligence, her quickness of perception, her powers of memory, her sweet consideration from the first moment for the slow paced tutor who ministered to her wonderful gifts. I was thirty then. I am over sixty now. She is ever present to me in these hours, as she was in those. Bright and beautiful and young, wise and fanciful and good. When I discovered that I loved her, how can I say in the first day? In the first week, in the first month? Impossible to trace. If I be, as I am, unable to represent to myself any previous period of my life as quite separable from her attracting power, how can I answer for this one detail? Whensoever I made the discovery, it laid a heavy burden on me, and yet, comparing it with the far heavier burden that I afterwards took up, it does not seem to me now to have been very hard to bear. In the knowledge that I did love her, and that I should love her while my life lasted, and that I was ever to hide my secret deep in my own breast, and she was never to find it, there was a kind of sustaining joy or pride or comfort mingled with my pain. But later on, say a year later on, when I made another discovery, then indeed my suffering and my struggle were strong. That other discovery was. That discovery was that she loved me. She may have enhanced my knowledge and loved me for that. She may have overvalued my discharge of duty to her, and loved me for that. She may have refined upon a playful compassion which she would sometimes show for what she called my want of wisdom, according to the light of the world's dark lanterns, and loved me for that. She may, she must, have confused the borrowed light of what I had only learnt with its brightness in its pure original rays. But she loved me at that time, and she made me know it. Pride of family and pride of wealth put me as far off from her in my lady's eyes as if I had been some domesticated creature of another kind. But they could not put me farther from her than I put myself when I set my merits against hers. More than that, they could not put me by millions of fathoms half so low beneath her as I put myself, when in imagination I took advantage of her noble trustfulness, took the fortune that I knew she must possess in her own right, and left her to find herself in the zenith of her beauty and genius, bound to poor, rusty, plodding me? No, worldliness should not enter here at any cost. If I had tried to keep it out of other ground, how much harder was I bound to try to keep it out from this sacred place? But there was something daring in her broad, generous character that demanded at so delicate a crisis to be delicately and patiently addressed. After many and many a bitter night, oh I found I could cry for reasons not purely physical at this pass of my life. I took my course. My lady had, in our first interview, unconsciously overstated the accommodation of my pretty house. There was room in it for only one pupil. He was a young gentleman near coming of age, very well connected, but what is called a poor relation. His parents were dead. The charges of his living and reading with me were defrayed by an uncle, and he and I were to do our utmost together for three years towards qualifying him to make his way. At this time he had entered into his second year with me. He was well looking, clever, energetic, enthusiastic, bold, in the best sense of the term, a thorough young Anglo-Saxon. I resolved to bring these two together. Ninth chapter. Said I, one night, when I had conquered myself, Mr Granville Mr. Granville Wharton, his name was, I doubt if you have ever yet so much as seen Miss Fairway. Well, sir, returned he, laughing, you see her so much yourself that you hardly leave another fellow a chance of seeing her. I am her tutor, you know, said I. And then the subject dropped for that time. But I so contrived as that they should come together shortly afterwards. I had previously so contrived as to keep them asunder, for while I loved her, I mean, before I had determined on my sacrifice, a lurking jealousy of Mr Granville lay within my unworthy breast. It was quite an ordinary interview in the Fairway Park, but they talked easily together for some time. Like takes to like, and they had many points of resemblance. Said Mr Granville to me when he and I sat at our supper that night. Miss Fairway is remarkably beautiful, sir, remarkably engaging. Don't you think so? I think so, said I. And I stole a glance at him, and saw that he had reddened and was thoughtful. I remember it most vividly, because the mixed feeling of grave pleasure and acute pain that the slight circumstance caused me was the first of a long, long series of such mixed impressions, under which my hair turned slowly grey. I had not much need to feign to be subdued, but I counterfeited to be older than I was in all respects. Heaven knows my heart being all too young the while, and feigned to be more of a recluse and bookworm than I had really become, and gradually set up more and more of a fatherly manner towards Adelina. Likewise I made my tuition less imaginative than before, separated myself from my poets and philosophers, was careful to present them in their own light, and me, their lowly servant, in my own shade. Moreover, in the matter of apparel I was equally mindful. Not that I'd ever been dapper that way, but that I was slovenly now. As I depressed myself with one hand, so did I labour to raise Mr. Granville with the other, directing his attention to such subjects as I too well knew most interested her, and fashioning him, do not deride or misconstrue the expression unknown reader of this writing, for I have suffered, into a greater resemblance to myself in my solitary one strong aspect. And gradually, gradually, as I saw him take more and more to these thrown out lures of mine, then did I come to know better and better that love was drawing him on, and was drawing her from me. So passed more than another year. Every day, a year in its number of my mixed impressions of Grave pleasure and acute pain. And then these two, being of age and free to act legally for themselves, came before me hand in hand, my hair being now quite white, and entreated me that I would unite them together. And indeed, dear tutor, said Adelina, it is but consistent in you that you should do this thing for us, seeing that we should never have spoken together that first time but for you, and that but for you we could never have met so often afterwards. The whole of which was literally true, for I had availed myself of many business attendances on and conferences with my lady to take Mr Granville to the house and leave him in the outer room with Adelina. I knew that my lady would object to such a marriage for her daughter, or to any marriage that was other than an exchange of her for stipulated lands, goods, and monies. But looking on the two, and seeing with full eyes they were both young and beautiful, and knowing that they were alike in tastes and acquirements that would outlive youth and beauty, and considering that Adelina had a fortune now in her own keeping, and considering further that Mr Granville, though for the present poor, was of a good family that had never lived in a cellar in Preston. And believing that their love would endure, neither having any great discrepancy to find out in the other, I told them of my readiness to do this thing which Adelina asked of her dear tutor, and to send them forth, husband and wife into the shining world with golden gates that awaited them. It was on a summer morning that I rose before the sun to compose myself for the crowning of my work with this end, and my dwelling being near to the sea, I walked down to the rocks on the shore, in order that I might behold the sun in his majesty. The tranquility upon the deep and on the firmament, the orderly withdrawal of the stars, the calm promise of coming day, the rosy suffusion of the sky and waters, the ineffable splendour that then burst forth attuned my mind afresh after the discords of the night. Methought that all I looked on said to me, and that all I heard in the sea and in the air said to me Be comforted, mortal, that thy life is so short. Our preparation for what is to follow has endured and shall endure for unimaginable ages. I married them. I knew that my hand was cold when I placed it on their hands clasped together. But the words with which I had to accompany the action I could say without faltering, and I was at peace. They being well away from my house and from the place after our simple breakfast, the time was come when I must do what I had pledged myself to them that I would do break the intelligence to my lady. I went up to the house and found my lady in her ordinary business room. She happened to have an unusual amount of commissions to entrust to me that day, and she had filled my hands with papers before I could originate a word. My lady, I then began, as I stood beside her table. Why, what's the matter? she said, quickly looking up. Not much, I would fain hope, after you shall have prepared yourself and considered a little. You appear to have prepared yourself but indifferently anyhow, Mr Silverman. This, mighty scornfully, as I experienced my usual embarrassment under her stare. Said I, in self extenuation once and for all. Lady Fairway, I have but to say for myself that I have tried to do my duty. For yourself, repeated my lady. Then there are others concerned, I see. Who are they? I was about to answer when she made towards the bell with a dart that stopped me and said, Why, where is Adelina? For bear be calm, my lady. I married her this morning to Mr Granville Wharton. She set her lips, looked more intently at me than ever, raised her right hand and smote me hard upon the cheek. Give me back those papers Give me back those papers She tore them out of my hands and tossed them on her table. Then seating herself defiantly in her great chair and folding her arms, she stabbed me to the heart with the unlooked for reproach You worldly wretch. Worldly, I cried. This, if you please, she went on with supreme scorn, pointing me out as if there were someone there to see. This, if you please, is the disinterested scholar, with not a design beyond his books. This, if you please, is the simple creature whom anyone could overreach in a bargain. This, if you please, is Mr Silverman. Not of this world, not he. He has too much simplicity for this world's cunning. He has too much singleness of purpose to be a match for this world's double dealing. What did he give you for it? For what? And who? How much? she asked, bending forward in her great chair and insultingly tapping the fingers of her right hand on the palm of her left. How much does Mr Granville Wharton pay you for getting him Adelina's money? What is the amount of your percentage upon Adelina's fortune? What were the terms of the agreement that you proposed to this boy when you, the Reverend George Silverman, licensed to marry, engaged to put him in possession of this girl? You made good terms for yourself, whatever they were. He would stand a poor chance against your keenness. Bewildered, horrified, stunned by this cruel perversion, I could not speak. But I trust that I looked innocent being so. Listen to me. Shrewd hypocrite, said my lady, whose anger increased as she gave it utterance. Attend to my words, you cunning schemer, who have carried this plot through with such a practised double face that I have never suspected you. I had my projects for my daughter, projects for family connection, projects for fortune. You have thwarted them and overreached me, but I am not one to be thwarted and overreached without retaliation. Do you mean to hold this living another month? Do you deem it possible, Lady Fairway, that I can hold it another hour under your injurious words? Is it resigned, then? It was mentally resigned, my lady, some minutes ago. Don't equivocate, sir. Is it resigned? Unconditionally and entirely. And I would that I had never, never come near it. A cordial response from me to that wish, Mr. Silverman. But take this with you, sir. If you had not resigned it, I would have had you deprived of it. And though you have resigned it, you will not get quit of me as easily as you think, for I will pursue you with this story. I will make this nefarious conspiracy of yours for money known. You have made money by it, but you have at the same time made an enemy by it. You will take good care that the money sticks to you. I will take good care that the enemy sticks to you. Then said I, finally, Lady Fairway, I think my heart is broken. Until I came into this room just now, the possibility of such mean wickedness as you have imputed to me never dawned upon my thoughts. Your suspicions Suspicions Pah she said indignantly. Certainties Your certainties, my lady, as you call them, your suspicions, as I call them, are cruel, unjust, wholly devoid of foundation in fact. I can declare no more, except that I have not acted for my own profit or my own pleasure. I have not in this proceeding considered myself. Once again, I think my heart is broken. If I have unwittingly done any wrong with a righteous motive, that is some penalty to pay. She received this with another and more indignant and I made my way out of her room. I think I felt my way out with my hands, although my eyes were open, almost suspecting that my voice had a repulsive sound, and that I was a repulsive object. There was a great stir made. The bishop was appealed to. I received a severe reprimand and narrowly escaped suspension. For years a cloud hung over me, and my name was tarnished. But my heart did not break if a broken heart involves death, for I lived through it. They stood by me. Adelina and her husband, through it all. Those who had known me at college, and even most of those who would only know me there by reputation stood by me too. Little by little the belief widened that I was not capable of what was laid to my charge. At length I was presented to a college living in a sequestered place, and there I now pen my explanation. I pen it at my open window in the summertime, before me, lying in the churchyard, equal resting place for sound hearts, wounded hearts, and broken hearts. I pen it for the relief of my own mind, not foreseeing whether or no it will ever have a reader. George Silverman's Explanation by Charles Dickens was read by Dominic Gerard, and the cover artwork was by Lena Gibel.